s t r a w b e r r y f i e l d s

it's another unexpected evening alone, because his (favourite sport code) is on, and i didn't realise it until it began. 

this means i give him his space to watch it, so he can fully enjoy it, and i retreat into the bedroom, with my phone, or laptop. listen to my music, surf, read, write. 

we watched 'joy ride' - it was extremely raunchy, crass, and extremely contrived plotting, but funny in parts. i cannot really understand how ashley park is getting all these roles. she is ok, but let's face it she could never have in korea, and also, her huge boobs are distracting to me like they must be fake? i found stephanie hsu watchable most of all. 

we have an appointment this week. to see the specialist, to book for the procedure. we had given ourselves 6 months, hoping nature - god - will take over, maybe get us there. but it has not eventuated. and what if i look back on this time, thinking we didn't do as much as we could have? if there were avenues to explore and we didn't? we cannot leave stones unturned, how could we forgive ourselves? every time we have a fight, or i find myself being selfish again, i worry how i will be as a parent, that i won't be any good, i will be god awful, and so the ambivalence lives on, but so does the desire to hold a chubby limb and kiss that beautiful smelling baby head. so we try again, we try we try we try. 

i am really enjoying 'yellowface', the new novel by rebecca f kuang (aka rf kuang). it is delicious. 

i want to barbenheimer. that is all.

4년만의 유럽인데, 

기대보다 그럭저럭이었다.

사람이 미어터지는 라람블라 이런 곳은 한순간에 질리고

여름이라 더워서 지치고 

마지막 며칠간은 장염 -_-;;

그이와 같이 갔기에 쇼핑다운 쇼핑하기가 힘들었고 (자꾸 같이 따라 붙어서 기다리는 그에게 미안하고/부담스러움)

그래도 좋았던건 역시 sagrada familia - 내부 압도 됬고, stone 인것도 좋고, 모던하고 클린하면서도 건축적인. 아름다운 스테인드글라스. tower는 솔직히 실망... 

정말 너무 맛있게 먹은, '이런 맛은 처음이야'라는 느낌 들게 한 PUR restaurant. 

스페인의 토마토는 이제껏 먹어본 것과는 전혀 다른 맛 - 시지가 않고 거의 과일 같지않은 texture/taste. 

여튼, 나는 아무래도 남부 보다는 북부 유럽 스타일인가...? 

다음에는 좀 더 북쪽으로... 핀랜드/아이슬랜드 꼭 가야지. 

tim keller died.

how did i find out about him? through twitter, through a korean american blogger i think. that's where i first heard of him maybe. i've read some of his books, i sometimes listen to his sermons via his podcast. i've admired him. he is one of those rare american pastors who is cerebral as anything, but also a charismatic, clear speaker, faithful to the scripture but also engaging enough with the world that he wrote pieces for and was interviewed by mainstream media. he was like the american version of philip and peter jensen. 

when i read that he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer i felt for him. i heard he was undergoing treatment, in trials, then recently that he was in hospice then quickly he had passed. i felt it for days. i read numerous people - even those who may have disagreed with him within christian circles - write only good things about him. i read and read and read. 

what a loss. why do i feel his death so? he was a guide for me in a way. 

what a shame i never got to hear him speak in real life. should have visited redeemer those times i visited nyc when i had the chance. 

i know he is with god, with jesus, in a better place. oh his message, that last tweet:

'I'm thankful for my family, that loves me. I’m thankful for the time God has given me, but I’m ready to see Jesus. I can’t wait to see Jesus. Send me home'

i report on o&g scans like penance. some sort of atonement. i give you blessing, women and your unborn children, will you look kindly upon me and my as yet unused and unoccupied uterus? on my eggs as yet unreleased? 

it is coming to six months. one hoped it would happen, naturally within these months. that such a blessing would be given us. it is now almost six months. we are almost about to jet off to foreign lands. will it happen? i try to be relaxed. try try try not to try, so body will forget, that it can happen spontaneously, not under duress, not under the excruciating pressure. 

every time it comes, it used to be a terrible nuisance but also a small relief, as if to say, ah yes i am still of reproductive age. i am potentially still ovulating, my body is hopeful and working, shedding, building up then shedding, always in preparation. 

now, when it comes, it is not only a terrible nuisance but a reminder of yet another failure. a bloody failure. 

i pray sometimes, but i mostly wish he hears them without me saying them out loud. that he sees my heart.

(but what of my heart? is it not full of ambivalence?)

그이가 나간 금요일 저녁, 나혼자 보내니 너무 좋다. 

그와 같이 있어도 좋지만, 이렇게 아주 가끔 즐기게 되는 혼자만의 시간이라 - 완전 행복. 

음악을 스피커로 맘껏 틀고, 따라 부르고, 

오랜만에 밀려온 내 단골 블로그글들을 몰아 읽고, 못 써왔던 여기 끄적일 수 있는, 낭만이다 낭만. 

여행은 이제 몇주 안 남았다.

대충 계획은 다 잡았다 - 부킹할 수 있는것들은 다 부킹해놓고 - 가우디의 모든곳들, 피카소뮤지엄 등.

여행 플레이리스트를 만들어야 하고

예쁜 매니큐어를 하고 갈까? 거긴 여름이니까. 예쁘게 하고 다니고 싶다. 

빨간 원피스를 입고 싶고, 여름스러운 밝은 색의 맥시드레스를 입고 싶다. 

오랜만에 가는 여행 다운 여행...

새로 카메라를 살까? 아이폰으로는 과연 사진같은 사진을 찍을 수 있겠어? 

마지막으로 샀던 파나소닉루믹스 SLR는 맛이 갔다 확실히. 

그냥 보통 사람처럼 아이폰으로 찍어야 하나... 사실 사진다운 사진을 찍은지 너무 오래 됨. 

(돈 좀 덜 써야...)

we are learning spanish. started on a whim, while planning our trip, having read that in a city like v where we are visiting, that not everyone will speak english. duolingo it is. it has been fun, learning a totally new language, a lot like english, but all the gendered words! frustrating at times. 

my reading has come to a right stop since maybe a month ago? we are watching succession of course, marvelling at it. even signed up to that streaming service just for that show. before that i highly enjoyed glory - it was a guilty pleasure, i feel i shouldn't revel in a revenge drama so much but i did, i did enjoy it. we are watching the last of us now, but beef we started and i felt it was almost too close to home - not only the seething rage under the surface - i identified with the ali wong character - has enough but is tired of working, being the bigger breadwinner, the pressures thereof - expected to curb that rage. her words were like they were taken right out of my own mouth. 

we took a road trip out west for easter break. visited gardens, japanese and decidedly not. the latter garden - owned by a wealthy man and private sections only open certain times of the year - was quite lovely, despite the cold weather. i wished the peacock would have displayed his tailfeather, i wished there were more hydrangeas in full bloom, the maze less muddy, but overall it was probably worth the visit. 

now all i look forward to is june. 

i'd been itching to write. 

reading the new strout - not 'new' i suppose anymore - 'lucy by the sea' - has me inspired to start writing again. it had me nostalgic for the lockdown times too to be honest. those secluded times, where i walked a lot, drove to work, and roads were empty, we eyed each other from afar strangely, no meetings in person, we were just newly married and i could enjoy that to the fullest in our little cocoon. i miss those times. 

but when the warmth fades, when you've just had an argument, at such an inopportune time -  i am in my fertile 7 day period for goodness sake, i could be ovulating as we speak! - is our night gone? is it salvageable? we are both far too old and unlibidinous that we can hardly gather enough enthusiasm on a normal day, yet alone when we are not happy with each other.

the warmth is there sometimes very warm, near boiling, and yet other times, for me, it is completly off and in fact it's become a refrigerator. a freezer. negative temps. i feel nothing for you. 

i pray sometimes. i read the bible. 

i like to - in my own way - practise visualisation.

usually it is of holding a baby, the chubby arms and their hand in my hand. skin to skin. 

it's like most things in my life, i am generally pessimistic, fatalistic, managing my expectations (they are usually lowly set), but still, holding out a little hope.

시간, 참 빨리 간다.

연말연시는 그렇게 빨리 가고, 다시금 현실로 온지 벌써 한달.

올해는 여행을 꼭 가자고, 콘퍼런스랑 겹쳐 가려고 계획은 하는데 쉽게 맘이 굳혀지지가 않는다.

누구랑 같이 여행하는거에서 오는 피로함, 그냥 유럽까지 가는 2번의 스톱이 있는 비행의 피로함, 또 예산...

집도 맘에 드는 집이 나왔는데 또 사려고 하니까 조금 버거운 맘으로 쭈빗해지고 다시금. 

조금 담대해져야 하는데.

fleishman is in trouble을 보며, 책보다 훨씬 재밌고 막 동질감 같은게 팍 든다. 

물론 뉴욕상류층 만큼은 전혀 아니지만, 그것보다 10% 정도 낮은 스케일에서. 

가까운 주위사람들의 돈돈돈 하는 모습에 나는 원래 그냥 괜찮은데 괜히 상대적으로 없음을 느끼고, 내가 더 바락바락 돈을 벌고 더 돈을 만들어야 한다는 강박관념에 시달리는 rachel - 특히 애가 생기고 사립학교에 보내고 그러면 더더욱 증폭 되겠지 그런 것들이. 내 주위에 많이 보이는 것들이다. 그러고 싶지 않은데 말이다. 

후배애들과 만나 걔네들의 에르메스 팔찌라던가 반짝거리는 다이아몬드 등등을 보면서 그런거 별 관심없는 나지만, 눈에 보이는건 욕심을 만드는 이상한 간사한 사람 마음. 

내 관심이 있는거 그저 가방뿐. 산지 오래됬지만, 샤넬 톱핸들이나 왈렛언체인이 눈에 간다 요즘. 

외국에 나가게 되면, 봐야지. 

so it happened, i finally got it, full 7 days after initial exposure, 6 days after his, 3 or so days since some upper respiratory symptoms set in. sore throat, barky effortful cough, some nasal discharge, some headache, a little tiredness, and just recently, anosmia. 

this means at least partially i can shorten the in laws trip. small blessings, silver linings, etc.

what have i achieved by not leaving the apartment nearly a week (bar those first few negative days when i still walked out for walks and groceries, of course masked)? started white lotus season 2, finished rilakkuma the themepark edition, finished one book and started another (another anne tyler), but other than not much else. i usually feel pretty good during the day, and worse at night in bed. 

he is doing worse than me, despite having suffered nearly a week more than me, spiking fevers as soon as panadol wears off, violent coughing spasms, lethargic at times. my baby with his weak constitution. 

can you believe - it's last 10 days or so of the year. where has it all gone? was i hopeful? sure i was. hope and anticipation became desperation and a rollercoaster of ups and downs. have i reached acceptance stage, a serenity? or is this just a break i'm letting myself have, a little hiatus. 

why am i not testing positive, even after having been next to the same positive person at the wedding?

even after spending the next 24 hours in intimate contact w spouse, who ended up testing positive <48hrs after that shared exposure?

even after abandoning strict quarantine and literally french kissing him that night and having slept in the same bed every night since? 

it's now been 5 days since initial exposure to the person, and 4 days of only half hearted quarantining off of my infected spouse.

do i have some sort of super immunity - or maybe i had it in the recent past without knowing, and have some recent antibodies - or a super long incubation period?

i am no longer entirely asymptomatic. i have a little scratchy throat, a little cough, but that could all be just nothing i suppose. i don't know but the purgatory, the not knowing, not exactly knowing what to do about work - what with its financial and social consequences - it's killing me. 

the house is a mess - we only have a two bedder afterall. he is in the main bedroom isolating, i am (trying) sleeping on the couch, my clothes/fresh underthings are in the living room, it's all such a grotesque sight. 

it's not like when i was taking time off for ivf, where i could do whatever i liked, the peace and quiet - there is chaos in the physical world around me, there is sickness in the room mere metres away, and the uncertainty, the not knowing where my body is at, where it is going, it is driving me crazy. i can't concentrate and achieve tasks.