..

 

i report on o&g scans like penance. some sort of atonement. i give you blessing, women and your unborn children, will you look kindly upon me and my as yet unused and unoccupied uterus? on my eggs as yet unreleased? 

 

it is coming to six months. one hoped it would happen, naturally within these months. that such a blessing would be given us. it is now almost six months. we are almost about to jet off to foreign lands. will it happen? i try to be relaxed. try try try not to try, so body will forget, that it can happen spontaneously, not under duress, not under the excruciating pressure. 

 

every time it comes, it used to be a terrible nuisance but also a small relief, as if to say, ah yes i am still of reproductive age. i am potentially still ovulating, my body is hopeful and working, shedding, building up then shedding, always in preparation. 

now, when it comes, it is not only a terrible nuisance but a reminder of yet another failure. a bloody failure. 

 

i pray sometimes, but i mostly wish he hears them without me saying them out loud. that he sees my heart.

(but what of my heart? is it not full of ambivalence?)