it's another unexpected evening alone, because his (favourite sport code) is on, and i didn't realise it until it began.
this means i give him his space to watch it, so he can fully enjoy it, and i retreat into the bedroom, with my phone, or laptop. listen to my music, surf, read, write.
we watched 'joy ride' - it was extremely raunchy, crass, and extremely contrived plotting, but funny in parts. i cannot really understand how ashley park is getting all these roles. she is ok, but let's face it she could never have in korea, and also, her huge boobs are distracting to me like they must be fake? i found stephanie hsu watchable most of all.
we have an appointment this week. to see the specialist, to book for the procedure. we had given ourselves 6 months, hoping nature - god - will take over, maybe get us there. but it has not eventuated. and what if i look back on this time, thinking we didn't do as much as we could have? if there were avenues to explore and we didn't? we cannot leave stones unturned, how could we forgive ourselves? every time we have a fight, or i find myself being selfish again, i worry how i will be as a parent, that i won't be any good, i will be god awful, and so the ambivalence lives on, but so does the desire to hold a chubby limb and kiss that beautiful smelling baby head. so we try again, we try we try we try.
i am really enjoying 'yellowface', the new novel by rebecca f kuang (aka rf kuang). it is delicious.
i want to barbenheimer. that is all.
