'분류 전체보기'에 해당되는 글 1647건
waiting, so much waiting...
we may have the procedure in couple of days. i am still waiting for the confirmation.
after tonight, presumably no more injections.
one silver lining?
i have stopped taking lengthy naps post injections in the mornings. sometimes they hurt, but other times they're not too bad. i clean up after breakfast. stream some tv or movie, read my anne tyler books, surf the web. then later in the morning i go on my walk. 10k steps, remember? the weather has been - thank you lord - quite lovely for long walks. i only have coffees on sundays, maybe saturday. we fix up a lunch, then i inevitably feel sleepy in the afternoons. my belly feels bigger than ever, i am really hoping that's the hormonal side effect of bloating and not my general fatness increasing.
trying to stay calm, at peace, keeping my mind on the day to day, not to look too far forward, not to let hopes balloon too big.
it's become a small routine.
injection time is 8:45am, followed by a 'little rest' - the abdominal wall is tender, so i like to use that excuse to lie down for a while, which sometimes is just an hour or so, other times - in fact often - all the way to lunch.
then it's lunch time, then it's time for a walk. i have done at least 10000 steps per day last week, which is pretty admirably consistent for me. then it's pottering time, internet-ing, reading a little, etc.
i am making dinners mostly. after dinner i have a wee prayer chat with mum, just 10-15mins or so.
he and i watch something in the evenings if we have time, these days ted lasso. it was good to begin with, but to be honest, towards the end of 1st season they're hamming it up QUITE a bit so i'm not as sold on it now. i have heard season 2 is even worse?
i am trying and mostly succeeding in taking it day by day. i do not think too much about the what ifs or the future. i would rather be empty in that corner of the brain.
i haven't done much in the way of productive activities - i would like to put up the excuse, hey it's just been a week! no cleaning up, no listening to lectures and so on. i need to do that. perhaps next week, when i might have no more injections, but more just waiting, and need something to distract myself with.
i wonder if my friendships will further deteriorate. we barely catch up as is - i've become very bad at meeting up with them. physical distances yes, i have always been lazy to drive up anywhere too far, and what motivation i did have before - to vent, to gab, to eat something with them - that want has been filled by constant companion in the form of a spouse who loves to spend time with me (shocking i know). and he is much nicer, and more tolerant and accomodating to me than my friends if we are being absolutely clear. sure he does not have the wit or quick repartee i can have with my girlfriends, but we can't have it all can we. i would also blame covid - and me wanting to stay clear from it, at least for next week or two - as another excuse to be hermiting.
god i love to be a hermit. to stay home, car firmly parked inside, never venturing beyond where i can walk to, quick dashes to shops only, just going for lone walks, the best ones are alone aren't they? perving on lovely dogs, bird watching, and on occasion people watching, cloud watching - observing, dissociating, becoming clear in the head, emptying any crap inside just like that.
today is day 5.
this means i start the second injection - orgalutran - on top of puregon.
it freaked me out a little, because i'd heard that orgalutran can be a bit more painful or irritating to the skin/subcutaneous tissue, but ultimately i found it ok. if anything, injecting the solution was less fiddlier because there are no dials or dose adjustments involved, just a quick jab and a push of the syringe.
but afterwards, i felt i needed to be gentle and give my belly fat some time to rest.
so i lied down in bed, thinking i'd go out for a walk in half hour, maybe an hour, then i drifted off to sleep.
when my eyes opened next, it was 12:30pm. husband is working from home, so i felt bad i hadn't fixed him up the lunch - chicken salad as we had discussed earlier - so quickly got up, and he volunteered to make lunch together with me. chopping and seasoning the chicken thigh, cooking it on the stove, while he washes and tosses the leaves, chops up the avo and opens the can of corn.
after lunch, i washed up and went for a walk. my aim had been to achieve 10k steps a day during my leave. it meant i had to come home in between for a quick toilet break then venture out again but it was kind of a perfect walking weather - cool, not too cold, a little sunny but plenty clouds around. not too many people on the riverwalk, still a few dogs to admire and today i found a little plaque on the walk someone had planted in honour of their pet cat - a loving ode to otis the cat, who had passed. what a lovely thing to find on one's walk. i wish i had a cat.
i am not sure if the prolonged morning nap - which was after a good 8 hours of sleep last night also - was just my laziness, or some systemic effect from the hormones. i don't feel particularly super tired or lethargic just fell into a nice long nap. i have always done good long naps.
otherwise i've noticed mild headaches. not so much bloating as such. no constipation.
have i achieved much? not really. i've watched most of Loot, the new series w maya rudolph on apple tv. currently that is the only subscription service we have (free for 3 months). i've moved onto the second anne tyler book. bible reading and praying w mum is continuing so far. no attempts at konmari or listening/watching the conference talks yet.
follicles, grow grow grow and mature nicely. lord, put your hands on them and bless them. i pray, i pray, i pray.
it's a new feeling.
i've always scoffed at those people who go on and on about stress and how stress is the cause of all their problems.
who isn't stressed? i would say. everyone is stressed to some degree.
but here, taking time off and just sitting still at home, it feels so good.
what a contrast to a day spent at work, constantly under a mental load, everyone from patients to coworkers at your heel, interpreting things, the responsibility to know, to be correct, or at least not wrong, the pressure and yes the stress. what is that all? poof, it's gone. no driving on edge on the crazy roads, phone calls at your ear.
it is a truly amazing feeling, to be resting. to be empty, to be away from it all. just be here, on my own, in my quiet time and space, no one needing me or requesting things of me. i love this time.
this is what we all want isn't it?
just that we need to work to feed ourselves, to survive, and it is not realistic or practical or sustainable to continue this way.
it's different to being on holiday - then, you are out there exploring, trying your best to soak up the new experience, the new place. here, there is no such pressure either.
i am free to just exist.
3주간의 휴식이 시작됬다.
완전히 휴식이라고 볼 수 는 없지만, 내 몸에 집중해야 할 시간들.
15개월 정도, 노력했지만 역부족이었다.
오늘은 첫날. 새벽 5시 기상 - 뭐 사실 그렇게 생소한 시간대도 아니지만 평소 - 6시 출발.
30분이면 끝난다더니, 실상 클리닉을 나온건 1시간반이 넘어서였다.
주차비만 거의 20불.
그렇게 첫 피검사, 그리고 맞을 주사기들을 한봉다리 가지고 돌아왔다.
검사결과전화가 오후에 올 줄 았았는데 10시 반 밖에 안 되서 왔고, 저녁에 해야 할 줄 알았던 주사는 금방 그렇게 오전에 놓았다.
어떤 면에서는 좀 기대치에 맞지 않는 예상밖의 일이 많은 첫날.
그래도 시작하려던 날에 시작됨에 감사.
주사는 거의 안 아팠던 것 감사.
무덤덤히 옆에서 잘 있어준 그이가 있음에 감사.
그렇게 오전을 보내고 10시 밖에 되지 않았는데 배가 허했다.
감자칩을 홍차랑 먹고 (미스매치) 조금 티비를 보고
금방 몸이 피곤해졌다. 점심시간을 침대에서 보내고, 2시가 넘어서야 일어나 간단한 장을 보고, 눈여겨 봤던 새 선글래스를 샀다.
예상치 않던 세일로, 훨 적은 가격대로 구입 해 조금 기쁨.
새로운 모든 것이 그렇듯, 써보니 썩 좋다.
나는, 안경은 별로지만 선글라스는 멋있게 잘 어울리는, 그런 얼굴이니까.
(그냥 눈을 가려야 하는 얼굴)
저녁은 새우볶음을 하겠다고 어제 선포해 새우를 정리하는데, 사실은 아무것도 하기 귀찮았는데 말이다.
어제 산 새우를 꼭 써야 할것같아서. 어쩔수 없다. 누굴 탓하겠느뇨 내가 하자고 했는데.
3주간 휴가 낸 사이 난 뭐할까 생각했었다.
매일 만보를 걷고
기도를 하고 성경을 읽고
요가도 하고
책도 읽고 3개월 공짜 애플티비를 보고
콘마리 도 다시 한번 할까 했었는데
오늘 첫날은 좀 귀찮았다. 모든게 귀찮은 느낌.
다음주부터는 좀 시간의 여유가 느껴질까나.
oh olivia, who hurt you?
i know i'm such a late adopter, i just got into her last month or so.
she makes me sing along, learn the words and actually sing along to her songs, the way i used to when i was in my teens, in my 20s.
she makes me wonder, hey girl, who hurt you? who is this dickhead? are you ok, girl?
the songs make me feel for her.
the songs remind me of what i felt, a lifetime ago, they feel so familiar despite the years gone by.
i hope she is doing ok, i hope she is having the time of her life with a boy who loves and dotes on her.
she apologised.
something she almost never does.
in between some tears, hugs, she quietly apologised. that she didn't know any better, she knew nothing at the time, it was hard for her too, it was just her dealing with the three of us.
i felt for a minute, that i should apologise to her too - or at least tell her, no it's ok, no need to apologise for that now - but i didn't. would i live to regret it?
희망, 소망, 실망, 절망, 그리고 다시 희망.
그렇게 4주간씩의 사이클이 다시 돈다.
결혼은 인내, 용서, 어쩌면 건망증을 필요로 하는 계약관계인듯.
인내나 용서는 사랑 안에 - 성경적으로는 적어도 - 들어가 있다해도, 잊어버리는 게 얼마나 중요한지 좀 깨닫는 중.
남의 잘못은, 쉽게 잊혀지지 않는다.
이해하지 못하는 면들이 있다 - 예를 들어 스포츠를 광적으로 보고, 자기 편 팀이 지면 몇시간씩 기분이 잡치고 또 이겨도 기쁨보다는 오직 안도밖에 없는 듯한 그의 모습이 좀 한심하게 느껴지기도 하지만, 또 그애가 똑같이 이해하지 못하는 나의 모습이 있겠지.
나만의 시간을 탐닉하는 것, 감정적으로 뭔가 막 먹고 싶어하는 식탐, 여러가지...
어떤 면에서는 자신이 없다.
내가 좋은 부모가 될 수 있을지. 좋은 아내, 좋은 엄마, 좋은 딸, 별로 자신이 없고,
태어나지도 않은, 태어나지 않을 수도 있는 생명, 그를 지켜주고, 그를 곧고 바르게 그치만 구기짐 없이, 사랑 가듣하게, 키울 수 있을지 자신이 없을 때가 많다.
나는, 지극히 나를 위해 아가를 원하는 것 같아, 그런 나를 하나님이 곱게 보고 있지 않을 수도 있겠다는 생각을 한다.
인내를 배우고,
겸손함을 배우는 그런 시간들.
하나님께 맡기고, 마음이 좀 더 편해졌다.
꼭 소망하는 그것이 이루어질지는 모르겠지만, 그런 확신은 없지만, 하나님은 선하시고, 그런 하나님께 맡긴다.
7월까지는 그렇게 시간을 두고 기다리고 기도한다.
일, 특히 공립병원일에 지쳐있는 몇달이다.
어서 있는 휴가를 다 쓰고 그만두고 싶은 마음이 굴뚝같은.
이런 마음도 좀 인내를 가지고 기다리면, 사라지겠지?
집은 아직 못 찾았고
올해는 책을 많이 읽는 편이다.
넷플릭스에 요새 갑자기 일본 시리즈/아니메 들이 퍽 늘어서, 근래 aggrestuko season 4 와 kotaro lives alone 을 아주 즐겨 봄.
특히 코타로는 슬프면서도 웃기고 짠하면서 깊은.
이제 곧, 1주년이다.
별거 아니지만, 그냥 지나는 시간을 기록하는 거지만,
그래도 좀 고마운.
아직 변심하지 않고 나를 좋아해주고 내게 잘해주는 그애한테 고마운.
가끔 부닥치기도 하지만, 결국은 나를 소중히 여기는 그 애가 좋고, 고맙다.
계속, 계속, 얼마나 갈까나 그런 마음.
