s t r a w b e r r y f i e l d s

거의 2주간 지겹게 오던 비가 멈췄다.

이제 좀 가을 같다.

아침 저녁은 살짝 쌀쌀하고 낮에는 아직 따뜻한 기운. 

임신건으로 전문의를 만났고, 여러가지 검사 후, 다시 몇가지의 검사를 더 해봐야 한다고 했고. 그이는 여러가지 비타민을 먹게 됬다.

안티옥시단트가 좋다고 해서 그게 많이 들어가 있다는 블루베리, 케일, 시금치 등으로 스무디를 만든다.

잘 될 수 있을까?

아무 것도 계획할 수 없는 날들이다. 

코비드도 코비드지만, 앞으로 몇개월간은 지켜봐야 한다. 임신이 자연적으로 될지, 아니면 인공수정 쪽으로 가게 될지. 

아무래도 내게는 가장 소중하고 좋은 날은, 주중 쉬는 날. 

느즈막히 아침을 먹고, 테니스를 조금 보고, 점심에 사먹지 말자 집에 있는 남아있는 하루된 밥, 감자 호박 양파 등등으로 조금은 싱거운 볶음밥을 만들어 먹고, 새로 산 김치랑 맛있게 먹는다.

아주 오랜만에 쿠키도 만든다. 그이한테 먹이고 싶고. 뭔가 해주고 싶은 맘.

저녁에는 예전부터 만들어 먹고 싶었던 오야코동을 하려고 다시마국물을 만들었다. 

그렇게 훅 몇시간을 보낸.

요즘 완전 빠진 음악은, linying 의 새 앨범 there could be wreckage here

읽고 있는 책은, pip williams 의 the dictionary of lost words

벌써 3월. 이제 1주년이 두달 밖에 남지 않았네. 

집도 못 샀고, 임신도 못했지만,

다행히, 감사하게도, 아직은 사이가 좋다.

1. Sorrow and bliss by Meg Mason: I'm not sure I can say I loved or even liked it. It was readable. I seem to read a lot of books lately that features something about mothers or motherhood or longing for it. Was there too much 'telling' and explaining towards the end? I think so. Was recommended by lots of people on my fave blog, but can't say it left me with a lot of much.

2. Shuggie Bain by Douglas Stuart: not so unfamilar the whole povo and alcohol and/or abuse ridden coming of age tale. I enjoyed it i suppose.

3. Amy and Isabelle by Elizabeth Strout: she never disappoints. she writes so beautifully, about yearning, about loneliness, the secrets and pains we carry under our masks the internal worlds most aren't privy to.

4. Our country friends by Gary Shteyngart: how weird and refreshing to read a writer who is not korean, but seemingly so immersed/well versed in korean immigrant things? culture, language. that part is somewhat of a delight. it lost me a bit after the climactic act, and yes he tries to be too clever and writes too affectedly if you ask me - but. there is some joy in being seen, being known, as a foreigner, by another foreigner.

5. Mouth to mouth by Antoine Wilson: short, highly readable read (gripping might be a tad exaggeration) - it was a very economical and well written book.

6. The Dictionary of Lost Words by Pip Williams: can’t not love a book about women, set in early 1900s, about words!

7. The Dutch House by Ann Patchett: i really enjoyed the book. i've been wondering about these ann(e)s - ann patchett, anne tyler - and well, i thoroughly enjoyed it. it was delicious, at times i had to stop and slow down, while wanting to devour and finish asap coz the story was so delicious and told well. she can write, damnit. 8. Cold enough for snow by Jessica Au: it is more of a novella. The atmosphere, the mood, it is precise, concise, specific. I felt immersed.

9. Redhead by the Side of the Road by Anne Tyler: yet another of the ann(e)s i'm finally exploring this year. easily readable, sweet little book, a bit similar feel to elizabeth strout, of small town small people things.

10. The Maid by Nita Prose: well to be honest, i'm getting a bit tired of the sorta on-the-spectrum, oblivious and neuroatypical protagonist stories... it's getting old. it was a bit simple, not really high brow, barely a summer read, but readable.

11. All She Wants by Kelly Hawkins: sometimes, one just reads a low brow novel just because... now you must know how the book ends. sometimes i wonder, why do people who can't write masterpieces still write? but then, of course that's a stupid idea, plenty ordinary doctors, lawyers, retail workers exist - in any job there are people who are mediocre and others who are great at their jobs. people have to make a living somehow. i am surprised they get to publish, but perhaps it is what it is, again with other professions - maybe they pass a certain (editors? publishers?) test, deemed good enough writers. anyway, it's no literature, i would not recommend, but it is what it is.

12. Fahrenhit 451 by Ray Bradbury: how odd, after reading a low brow novel - how striking the difference is to then go to a literary novel, the brain was wrecked it was like whiplash - what are these phrases and fresh and unusual sentence structures? the non linear narrative, the long soliloquys, basically a writing that is not just 'this happened then she said this then he felt that' kind of simplicity? well it was quite something. it is a classic, the notion which may have been shockingly dystopian then well sounded just like humdrum normal day to day now.

13. The Paris Apartment by Lucy Foley: ... i don't think i can read these low brow type books anymore! i hunger for beautiful prose!!!!

14. Under the Banner of Heaven by John Krakauer: i'm not much for nonfiction but i was hooked via the new tv series... gripping read. very disturbing but really interesting.

15. Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant by Anne Tyler: i'm reading an omnibus containing three of anne tyler's novels. it was a delight, at times painful.

16. The Accidental Tourist by Anne Tyler: she writes these people, especially men, who are uptight, sticklers for routine, micro-micro-micro types, it's interesting. the mothers are flighty and unreliable or uptight perfectionist types. her writing is delicious and you love to read her.

17. Breathing Lessons by Anne Tyler: prob my least favourite of the three in this omnibus set. main characters were annoying af! urg. slight drag.

18. These Precious Days by Ann Patchett: i loved some of the stories in this book of essays. The one about her no shopping year. The snoopy story (amazing and delightful) and of course the one about her friend sookie who has pancreatic cancer. It inspires me to write.

19. The Remains of The Day by Kazuo Ishiguro: is it really a masterpiece that everyone goes on about? the writing is for sure skilled but oh how annoying i found the stiff, constipated, repressed, quintessentially ENGLISH englishman!

20. Crossroads by Jonathan Franzen: the fact that i finished this book in 14-15 days, this 800-page book, means it was readable. the constant mixing in of religion (good or bad idk), the rage inducing adultery and incredibly boring drug addiction plotline, and the very chaotic mental breakdown arc of marion... i can't say i really liked the book, despite how readable it was.

21. Klara and the Sun by Kazuo Ishiguro: maybe my favourite ishiguro? it reminded me of his older novel, never let me go. but somehow not as grim. his writing is concise and beautiful.

22. Best of Friends by Kamila Shamsie: this was not as impactful and great read as her last award winning novel home fire - much smaller, based on two friends, and simpler. still enjoyable.

23. Must I Go by Yiyun Li: how can someone of NESB (like myself) who only moved to US in their 20s write like any other person whose first language is that, just like a typical white writer? she writes like that, in prose the style and even substance. a little fancifully but also irritatingly like some white writers do.

24. In Cold Blood by Truman Capote: maybe if i'd read it when i was younger, or when it was actually first published, it may have been more impactful, more mind blowing or expanding. but here i am, a 40+yo person who's watched whole seasons of criminal procedurals principally criminal minds etc so, not much new info to be gained there with regards to the mind of killers and psychopathy etc. the writing was good, it's an engaging and easy read.

25. The School for Good Mothers by Jessamine Chan: this may be the book i've enjoyed the most this year. it's well written, ie it's 'literary' but also a compulsive read, you must continue, know what happens, the emotional toll is just bearable, given where i was at the time, the pain i felt was real, i felt i was frida in my own way - she had her own daughter she was losing, and here i was not getting to have her at all, we were sharing the same loss in a way. i cried, it felt not totally dystopian, like it could be a reality, the horror the injustice the horrid judgements mothers are under constantly. i loved it.

26. Amsterdam by Ian McEwan: such brevity! only 200 odd pages. i appreciate a tight 200 page book. read in couple days. it was... well written? but largely... unmoved. how does this get him a booker idk.

27. French Braid by Anne Tyler: may have been my favourite Anne Tyler. More modern, less constipated, a little hopeful in some ways.

여러모로 다사다난한 한 해였다. 

결혼을 했고, 임신을 했고, 금방 유산했다.

코비드는 좋아졌다가 - 다행히 그 잠시 좋았을때 식을 올릴 수 있었고 - 델타로 확 안 좋아져서 몇개월의 록다운을 즐겼고, 다시 좀 숨돌리나 싶었다가 지난 몇주 다시 오미크론 덕에 상상도 못했던 숫자 (2만을 넘기다니???) 를 보고 다시금 약간의 패닉 상태. 

내년 - 그러니까 내일 부터 - 계획을 만드는 건 어려운 일이다. 아직도 코비드 때문에 어떻게 외국에 나가고 들어올수 있을지 알 수 없고, 언제 엄마 아빠, 오빠언니 그리고 조카를 다시 보러 갈 수 있을지 모른다. 외국 여행은 더더욱 계획하기 힘들고. 

처음에 너무 쉽게 한 임신은, 그 이후 그리 쉽지 않다는 걸 깨닫고 있다.  내가 아무리 노력해도, 내가 원하는 걸 다 가질 수 없다 는 조금은 슬픈, 조금은 잔인한 사실. 

마음을 편하게 먹으려 하고 있고, 안 되면 안 되는 대로 감사하고 둘이 잘 살아야 하는데. 

올해 첫 6개월은 식 준비로 바빴고 후반기는 코비드로 정신 없었던. 

책은 거의 읽지 못했고, 새로운 음악도 평소보다 덜 들었다. 영화관에는 안 간지 2년이 다 됬고. 

식 이후로는 다시 살이 좀 쪘고, 록다운때 매일 하던 산책도 이제 거의 하지 않는다. 

남편과는 요리를 하고 산책하러 다니고, 바닷가를 찾아가고, 티비를 보고, 같이 웃고 같이 운다. 

내년에 원하는 건 오직 하나,. 

the thing, the most amazing, blow-your-mind unbelievable thing about marriage is, that i have someone i can just kiss when i feel like it. 

actually on second thought, the actual most amazing thing is that he is surprised but never not fully open to it, welcoming it with all the love and gusto, adores it when i kiss him - or show him all kinds of affection. 

what a truly novel idea. growing up, intimacy was never so welcomed, there was never not a beat, a pause, a hand shoving me away, or a grimace on the face - even if it were just for show, i never knew anything else.

and to have the opposite reaction, it fills me with love. 

love feeds love. 

그애는 어제, 나는 오늘 부스터를 맞았다.

그는 모더나, 나는 화이저.

열이 나고 힘들어 하는 그애를 보면 안쓰럽다.

어릴때 엄마가 해줬던것 처럼 손타월을 차갑게 적시고 이마에 대준다.

그애가 아프면, 왠지 좀 무섭다. 

내 엄마아빠가 비교적 건강하셔선지, 사랑하는 사람이 아픈게 겁난다.

나랑 이제 하나가 됐는데, 오래 오래 건강히 살아줘야 하는데...

그리고 코비드 숫자가 다시 껑충 뛴 이 상황에서

갑자기 겁이 난다.

나뿐만이 아닌, 내 몸이 오직 내것이지 않은 상태가 되면, 

더더욱 아프면 안 되니까,

그 걱정이 커진다.

먼저 예방 차원에서 파나돌을 먹어야지.

내일은 일 도 가야 하는데.

Maybe people might think, that all these years of being single, i’d been longing to be loved. But what i realise now is maybe i had been longing to love. To give love fully and to have that welcomed and appreciated, that is the real woah of all of this.

큰 생일이 코앞으로 다가왔다.

좀 괴로운 큰 숫자. 그런 날이 내게도 찾아왔다.

요즘 내 정신세걔를 지배하는 건 아무래도 임신 - 아니 그것을 소망하느라, 거의 망상까지 갔다 왔다 한다. 

며칠 전에는 아직 생리가 늦지도 않았는데 약간 메식거리고 소변이 자주 마렵고 배가 불룩한 느낌에 테스트 까지 했다. 

약간 헤까닥 했다고 해야 하나. 뭔가 obsession - compulsion 부분이 확실히 있다. 

쉽지 않다. 모든 과정에서 에러 에러 에러. 

솔직히 그애를 원망하게 되고, 미워하게 되기도 한다. 나는 이렇게 준비되어 있는데, 너는 왜... 

그렇게 생각하지 않으려 해도, 나는 간사한 인간이기에.

병원을 그만두고 싶다는 생각이 굴뚝같다. 

조금 소외된 느낌도 들고, 어서 애를 갖고 일하는 걸 그만 두고 싶다는 좀 말도 안되는 생각이 든다.

돈은 벌어야 하니까, 사립일은 계속 하고, 공립병원은 너무 멀고 귀찮은 걸 시키는 게 너무 많아 짜증이 난다. 

어서 애를 가져야 마터니티휴가를 내고, 또 여기서 일한지 10년을 채우면 롱서비스리브 도 받고 나서 그만 둬야 딱인데...

그렇게 잔머리를 굴러본다.

모든 걸 같이 하고 싶어하는 그애는, 그게 좋다가도 귀찮고 좀 치근덕거린다고 느껴질 때가 있다.

내일은 생축 겸 친구들을 만나는데, 오랜만에 그애는 안 데리고 나간다.

결혼하기 전에는 내가 비웃었던 행동들을, 결혼하고 나서 아니 얘랑 연애하고 나서부터는 내가 막 하고 있는 걸 발견한게 한 둘이 아닌데 - 매우 쪽팔리게도 - 그 중 하나가 내 친구들을 만날때 걔를 데리고 나간다는것. 

가고 싶어하는 거다, 나는 이해가 좀 안 되는데.

잊으려고 하고 있다. 내 나이. 나몰라라 하고프다. 

i am starting to understand why some women become so obsessed, they become almost deluded that they are pregnant when not even physically plausible. one has this one thing on their mind, now that they know that their chances are non-zero, that they are having unprotected sex, that they know it is a possibility, in fact they have once been pregnant, albeit for the shortest time, and that is all they can think about. no matter that chances are so slim, it's not like you're bonking like rabbits, hardly, but one hopes, one fantasises, one wishes, prays, tries to hope it into existence. every belly pull, every bloated feeling, every pang of nausea, frequency of urination, change in one's secretions, they all mean something - or nothing. time loses all meaning, for i am not even at expected next cycle and yet, and yet, and yet. that is all one can think about. hoping for a sign, hoping against hope.