s t r a w b e r r y f i e l d s

슬슬 준비해야지

한국 가서 먹을 것 (역시 가장 중요...), 찾아 갈 곳, 살 것들.

왠지 이번에는 산낙지가 먹고 싶고, 삼겹살도 먹고 싶고, 옛날 스타일 순대가 먹고 싶다.

근사한 한정식도 먹고 싶고. 한국의 회를 먹고 싶다.

갈 곳...은 솔직히 단 한군데도 생각해 놓은 곳이 없다.

인터넷 좀 두들겨 봐야 겠다.

살 것들은, 항상 사는 필요용품 몇가지 빼고는...

책을 사고 싶다.

여기서 구할 수 없는 일본 소설 혹은 한국 것도...

모발 커버 좀 괜찮은거랑.

씨디?

사실 딱히 사고픈 건 없다.

궁리해 봐야지.

even when a person is showering me with genuine affection and love and kindness

more so than i've felt in such a long time,

there are things that push me to the edge of despair

that suck any joy out of me

any desire to go on living 

for what is it worth anyway

more pain than not

more sadness than not

more regret more bitterness more imperfections more unpleasantness

.

same old imagery plays in my mind again 

whenever despair takes hold of me

slitting the wrist

the guillotine

the noose

#

finally, i felt ready

i felt loved

i felt seen

i felt adored.

i opened myself up

words poured out of me

affection was not a currency i used to bargain with

i freely let him in 

intimacy was no obstacle

or so i thought.

who knew,

my body would betray me

that desire was in itself not enough

i had no more mental inhibitions

but visceral reflex, something i had never entertained the idea of,

who knew.

i felt like a failure.

undeserving of pleasure.

as if this further confirmed my fate

destined to be alone, lonely, 

lover to no-one

mother to no-one

just a nothing and nobody.

who could i blame

i can connect the dots

too easy to silently blame the perpetrator of inappropriate conduct all those years ago

but to what avail?

'i'd rather be dreaming than living,

living's just too hard to do...'

like a premmie,

too fragile and delicate

who cannot be overstimulated,

i feel so exhausted.

i haven't been with another being for so long,

i suffered extreme tiredness and physical lethargy for good 24 hours afterwards.

and a sense of emptiness - 

initially mild sense of guilt and shame,

followed by a sense of regret

that i had revealed too much of myself,

given away too many secrets too soon,

allowed them too much access to my body and my mind,

i had to stay away.