s t r a w b e r r y f i e l d s

for a stretch of time, i wondered how do i hope?

how am i supposed to pray? how am i supposed to feel? to respond? to plea?

am i supposed to just keep on hoping and praying and pleading with god?

or do i accept this as my yoke? what is faith? how do i have faith that i am meant to have a child?

i honestly did not know how to feel, how i should be.

that confusion, that feeling of utter loss of direction inside me, that i suppose eventually dissipated.

now i start a new cycle, i don't know, we can only hope, and pray again, because on our own we cannot achieve anything. we have no control of our bodies - how the ovaries will respond, how his bits will be, we can only do what is medically advised, and pray that god writes with his hand the name of new life. 

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looking through pictures from last year or so, it looks like i was a lazy bench this year. seemingly i took a lot of time off.

we were out for a long weekend for valentines day! then, randomly had a week off at a beach in april! what, wedding anniversary night at a city hotel? then off to nz! just a lot. also those 3 weeks i took off for my first cycle.

i feel like it went fast, but with little to show for it. i feel i've been pretty preoccupied this year, haven't really worked that hard or thought much about work, it's gone in a weird haze. 

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we haven't bought a house yet. i am a little afraid of change. having to live in a suburb or a house that has no train station walkable distance away. having neighbours that i actually may have to deal with (unlike apartments, where you are pretty free to never acknowledge them). actually having to look after a house, with a lawn, etc. suddenly having to rent out the apartment, what if tenants are awful, and they wreck the place. adulting, it's frightening. 

no baby, no house, will that change come 2023?

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at least i've read a lot this year, that is about it. maybe because i've taken so much time off? or that i haven't watched as much tv? hard to say. 

첫 stimulated cycle - x

다음 frozen cycle 은 배란 실패로 x

다시 이번에는 조금 medicated frozen cycle, 역시 x

그리고 한 번 더 stimulated cycle 시작 하려고 한다. 

마지막 사이클의 결과를 안 건 어제 아침, 좀 울고 다시 잠들고 난 후 오후에 스페샬리스트와 통화 하면서 다시 한 번 하기로 마음을 먹으니, 슬픔이나 grief - 이런 것들이 순간에 다시 새로운 목표가 생기니 금방 잠잠해진다. 새로 집중해야할, 새로운 목표.

하루 종일 머리가 아팠다 - 울고 나면 잘 생기는 앞머리 둔탁한 그런 두통. 

다음주 일주일 더 휴가를 받아 놓은게 있으니, 이번에 시작하면 적어도 일주일은 집에서 쉬면서 주사 받을 수 있으니까, 하자고 마음 먹었다.

12월에는 어차피 연휴라 못하게 되니. 

그리고 그때는 또 한 살을 먹었을테니.

마지막 embryo transfer를 마치고 일주일 일본에 다녀왔다.

3-4년 만인가? 도쿄는 많이 가봐서 새로운 곳이 별로 없지만, 맛있는 걸 많이 먹고, 날씨도 아주 좋았다. 

따뜻했고, 물가는 오히려 여기보다 싼 듯 했고, 어디가나 마스크 착용률이 거의 100% 라 맘도 편했다. 

처음으로 (뉴질랜드말고) 그이랑 해외여행을 간것. 같은 호텔룸에서 일주일 같이 쓴 것 (평소 화장실을 따로 씀)... 기념할 만한 마일스톤들.

아무래도 혼자 다닐때랑은 좀 다르고 좀 맞춰줘야 하는 게 있고 이렇지만, 그럭저럭 괜찮았다. 

너무 나랑 다르지 않아서 편했고, 사실 그이는 너무 날 맞춰줘서 짜증날때도 있지만, 여튼 좋았던 여행.

쇼핑을 평소만큼 못해 조금 그러나, 요즘 돈 나갈 일들이 많으니 좀 소비를 자제한게 아무래도 감사해야 할 일. 

예전보다는 확실히 좀 덜 붐빈거 같았다. 한국말이 많이 들렸고. 

2년 아니 거의 3년 만이구나, 영화관에서 영화를 본 건. 

그이가 인스타그램으로 공짜 티켓을 구했다. 

헤어질 결심, 박찬욱 영화, 평이 좋은 영화, 

우리는 커플로서 둘이 한국영화를 특별히 많이 본 역사가 있다. 첫 영화 데이트는 버닝, 그리고 기생충은 봉준호 감독이 시드니 영화제겸 오기까지 해서 영화뿐만 아닌 끝나고 Q&A도 갔었던.

너무 기대가 컸나? 영화 자체는 조금 기대에 못 미쳤다. 

탕웨이는 예쁘고 혹할 만큼 뭐랄까 끌리는 매력이 많은 여성 이지만 대본도 비쥬얼도 뭔가 2% 부족...

마스크를 쓴 건 우리 둘 뿐이었다.

갑자기 김신영이 나와 백인 노인네들이 80% 였던 영화관 안에서 나 혼자 훗 하고 웃었다. 

전화를 안 한지 2주 정도 됬나, 엄마에게 짧고 볼멘소리인 전화가 왔다.

'넌 이제 엄마 아빠도 없니?' 

불만이 가득한 목소리, 아버지에게 전화 좀 하라고 툭 뱉고 그렇게 끊었다.

얼마 후 나는 아무래도 통화를 못 하겠어서, 두분들과의 대화창에 문자를 넣었다.

엄마 아빠 한테 삐져서 그런게 아니라 내가 요즘 기분도 콘디션도 좋지않아, 기쁜 대화를 해 드릴 수 없어서 전화를 못 하고 있다고.

그렇다. 

힘든 나날들.

내 안에서의 안 좋은 에너지

그이와의 관계에서 쌓인 불만

모든 일에 비관적이고 

포기 상태라고 해야 하나

뭔가 기대하는 마음, 맘이 부풀어야 할 이유가 없다. 

어쩌다 보니 완연한 연후가 되었네. 

시간은, 너무 빠르게 흘러간다. 좀 잔인하기까지. 

IVF 첫 사이클 실패 이후 지난 두달 쯤은 좀 힘들다.

눈물이 잦고, 싸움도 좀 늘고, 우울해지려고 한다. 

엄마 아빠와도 대화가 좋지 않고

그렇게 날들이 빨리 빨리 없어진다.

내 난자들은 매일 매일 나와 함께 늙고 있는데...

여행을 가려고 조금 계획했던 것들도 IVF 계획이 수틀리는 바람에 이제는 거의 다 무산 된. 

아무것도 부킹해놓은 건 없었지만, 매일 매일 비행기표 가격을 조사하고, '이건 우리 작년에 못간 신혼여행 겸이니까 비지니스를 타자' 등 얘기했고, 가서 봐야할 볼만한 곳 먹어야 할것 등 조사 하면서 막 가슴이 부풀어 올랐었는데, 결국은 다 아무것도 아닌 허상이 됨. 

처음에는 스페인/포르투갈, 그러다가 시간이 안 될거 같아, 짧은 시간에는 일본은 어떨까 했다가

이제는 그냥, 포기.

받아논 휴가는 다시 반납해야 하나. 아님 만일 시간이 되면 그냥 국내로 어딘가 좀 갔다 올까...

그냥, 이런 평소 생활에서 탈출 하고픈 마음이 굴뚝같다. 

슬픔을, 기쁨과 감사로 바꾸는건, 힘들구나 참. 

When you’re not used to failing, failure stings.
I am used to cleanly giving up at early failure.
If i am not immediately good at something, i am likely to drop it sooner rather than later.
This challenge is just like all the others. In terms of how my mind sets. It is setting in the direction of pessimism.

We tried the one round of stimulated cycle. It did not take.
We had one frozen embryo that we tried to transfer but my ovaries must have decided to take a break as i did not ovulate seemingly, cycle now cancelled.

We had thought about going on holiday. A delayed honeymoon if you will. Now we have to decide, do we proceed to another attempt, with some hormonal support to kick my ovaries back into action?

I am not even sad. Just empty and unmoved and unhopeful. Is this the yoke i have been given?

tomorrow should be the transfer day. 

again, waiting for a phone call to tell me exactly when to come in, what to expect.

thankful to god that on day 3 update, all 7 embryos were doing well. 

miraculous little ones.

i dread returning to work. these last few weeks have been dreamy. 

i never got bored. in the mornings, i would inject (it's so good to no longer have to do that now though), i would take walks, sometimes more than once a day, i would have a drink - a matcha or hot chocolate, on advice that caffeine is to be minimised, i read my anne tyler, i read the bible (doing daily reads with him), i watch tv (minx, loot, ted lasso - given up after S1 and a bit, bad sisters - just started, looks ok), i do house chores, washing dishes, laundry, cleaning random areas long neglected, cooking when i can be bothered, i eat (too much), i write (more than i've done in so long), i listen to podcasts (no music last 2.5weeks at all, until just now), i nap, i can just be.  

i'll miss these times. 

it has me seriously wondering, do i want to go back to my normal work life?

the stresses, the slog? 

it's been absolutely heavenly, to be blank, devoid of stress, the tranquility, no one bugging me, on my case, the daily struggle of brain power required and the dilemmas and uncertainties the responsibility and constantly being put on show a terrible show to be scrutinised.

but can i live with myself with all that comes with quitting work?

finally, eggs were collected yesterday. 

ten. ten is the magic number.

then the call early this morning, there are 7 that have fertilised well they said. 

thank you lord. 

we wait for another phone call update on sunday.

like last time, GA was clean and refreshing. like a switch snapped off, then on.

i felt fine leaving the clinic, we had some japanese food at a hipster joint. by then - around lunch time, my pelvis started cramping. it did not abate through the evening, with me taking more panadol.

still, the pains are not entirely gone. i've not stepped out of my apartment, let alone my pjs, all day. 

a bag of chips and a green smoothie for sustenance.

now i await the return of my beloved. 

waiting, so much waiting...

we may have the procedure in couple of days. i am still waiting for the confirmation. 

after tonight, presumably no more injections.

one silver lining?

i have stopped taking lengthy naps post injections in the mornings. sometimes they hurt, but other times they're not too bad. i clean up after breakfast. stream some tv or movie, read my anne tyler books, surf the web. then later in the morning i go on my walk. 10k steps, remember? the weather has been - thank you lord - quite lovely for long walks. i only have coffees on sundays, maybe saturday. we fix up a lunch, then i inevitably feel sleepy in the afternoons. my belly feels bigger than ever, i am really hoping that's the hormonal side effect of bloating and not my general fatness increasing. 

trying to stay calm, at peace, keeping my mind on the day to day, not to look too far forward, not to let hopes balloon too big. 

it's become a small routine.

injection time is 8:45am, followed by a 'little rest' - the abdominal wall is tender, so i like to use that excuse to lie down for a while, which sometimes is just an hour or so, other times - in fact often - all the way to lunch. 

then it's lunch time, then it's time for a walk. i have done at least 10000 steps per day last week, which is pretty admirably consistent for me. then it's pottering time, internet-ing, reading a little, etc. 

i am making dinners mostly. after dinner i have a wee prayer chat with mum, just 10-15mins or so. 

he and i watch something in the evenings if we have time, these days ted lasso. it was good to begin with, but to be honest, towards the end of 1st season they're hamming it up QUITE a bit so i'm not as sold on it now. i have heard season 2 is even worse? 

i am trying and mostly succeeding in taking it day by day. i do not think too much about the what ifs or the future. i would rather be empty in that corner of the brain.

i haven't done much in the way of productive activities - i would like to put up the excuse, hey it's just been a week! no cleaning up, no listening to lectures and so on. i need to do that. perhaps next week, when i might have no more injections, but more just waiting, and need something to distract myself with.

i wonder if my friendships will further deteriorate. we barely catch up as is - i've become very bad at meeting up with them. physical distances yes, i have always been lazy to drive up anywhere too far, and what motivation i did have before - to vent, to gab, to eat something with them - that want has been filled by constant companion in the form of a spouse who loves to spend time with me (shocking i know). and he is much nicer, and more tolerant and accomodating to me than my friends if we are being absolutely clear. sure he does not have the wit or quick repartee i can have with my girlfriends, but we can't have it all can we. i would also blame covid - and me wanting to stay clear from it, at least for next week or two - as another excuse to be hermiting. 

god i love to be a hermit. to stay home, car firmly parked inside, never venturing beyond where i can walk to, quick dashes to shops only, just going for lone walks, the best ones are alone aren't they? perving on lovely dogs, bird watching, and on occasion people watching, cloud watching - observing, dissociating, becoming clear in the head, emptying any crap inside just like that.