s t r a w b e r r y f i e l d s

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feeling loved is addictive,

and i've gone further down this than with any other

i've given him more than with any other

and he's given me so much 

if this all leads to fail-land,

i might be a bit too crushed.

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my desire scares me.

my feelings for another has never been allowed to expand this much.

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it's all a bit crazy,

unsustainable,

impractical,

likely to be judged harshly by everyone but the most tolerant

but the pleasure, the happiness, those feelings are real.

does love make one glow?

coz i feel it,

i feel a glow. 

중국어를 배우고 있다.

오늘로 두번째 레슨.

일주일에 한번, 두시간 씩.

좀 재밌다.

어렵지만, 특히 발음.

그리고 한자 =_=;;;

그래도 꾸준히 해서 듣기라도 좀 됬으면 좋겠다.

어른이 되어서 뭔가를 배운다는건 생소하지만 즐겁고,

또 아무 프레셔 없이 뭔가를 배우는 것 - 시험이 없고, 그저 나를 위한 내 즐거움을 위한 것 - 이니 좋다.

so i guess it's one of those evenings,

where i will just repeat julien baker songs,

and purge my feelings here.

for nobody to see.

into the void.

i know i am an amateur in all things related to love,

because here i am, always testing it

pushing them to limits, 

trying to push them over the edge

to prove their love, to continuously show it, or i won't be satisfied.

am i just waiting for them to fail me,

to show that their love - or whatever you may call it - is in fact inadequate,

conditional, self-serving, ill-conceived, 

trying to prove that romantic love is a flawed thing, impure at best.

or is it just self sabotage.

i do not know.

i cannot believe,

maybe i cannot accept,

why and how a person can love me,

why i deserve such a thing.

some might say,  you have the job anyone would want, with the security and high pay and whatnot

some might say, what have you got to complain about

it's not about what you have, what you have not

it's not material things

it's the vast emptiness within,

that doesn't fill with things, tangible things, or even people or relationships,

i know it is there and am reminded of it every day

it's a wound that never heals

i know not how to heal or to be complete

or rather, i cannot seem to surrender to it.

sometimes,

you get so sick of yourself.

you wish you could escape your body, leave your mind, exchange it for some other,

you'd give anything to be somebody else, to be somewhere else,

anywhere but here and now and this.

nothing to rejoice about,

but that's not the point is it?

...