trying to get away from unpleasantness of life, which keep rearing their ugly heads to my consciousness.
trying to not be bothered, not be overwhelmed by life's little and medium sized annoyances.
i hate being a landlord, have i told you that before?
'abolish all landlords' they say. yes they should. landlordship should not be a thing and i should be liberated from the hassles of it.
i blamed my father for his minimal reaction my big news.
that it brought out seemingly zero happy emotions out of him outwardly at least,
that it had no influence on his shitty outlook on life, marred by his shitty relationship with my mother.
but who am i to criticise and judge him,
when i can see that i myself am still plagued by my usual miserable baseline feelings,
constant hatred of work and toil and thoughts of just wanting to die, pervasive at times.
was it naive of me to think, having this new life enter my life - my uterus - will somehow magically transform my life, my psyche, my whole outlook on life?
yes i suppose it was.
i am trying to read, watch mindless television, to get out of all the negative things clouding my mind. i try. i shall try to turn it in a more positive direction - pray, read the bible, see beyond the minute and and the micro.
i shall be a parent to you than my parents were to me.
i know i have no influence on how you will be innately, how you will be temperamentally, how sensitive you may be etc. but i can be nurturing you to your full goodness.
i can listen to you, meet your eyes, love you to my full capacity, support you and respect you and mould and shape you to be the best person you could be.
here is the question,
do i, once i give birth, suddenly automatically change fundamentally inside, that i become selfless and everything i do for the child without any ego or conflict?
or will it be a conscious battle to be more altruistic for the child, a constant battle with my own selfishness?
does the fact that i've lived in such a selfish way for this many years makes it more or less likely that i will be able to be consumed by the love and care for another? because i'd been so set in my ways (harder) or would i be more willing to let myself go because i've had enough of self-interest? hard to say.
i really hope it is easy, that my life is changed, but not only externally but intrinsically, so that i can love and serve and care for another without anger or anxiety.
