s t r a w b e r r y f i e l d s

드디어 사진들을 다 지웠다.

왜 이리 오래 걸렸는지 모르겠다.

처음 몇장 지울 때는, '만일 우리가 다시 만날 사이라면, 그때 새로운 사진을 찍으면 되지 뭐' 하고 생각했지만

이제는 그런 생각도 너무 어처구니없었다는 걸 안다.

어떤 사람의 존재를 다 지우는 거다.

그 한순간 한순간에서의 모든 기억들을 지우려하는 것. 지우개로 싹싹 필요한 그것만 지우는. 

그건 그 얼굴이 들어간 사진들도 있고, 

여러 글귀, 나를 위해 써준 글귀들을 캡쳐했던 것들도 있다. 

내게 준 기타곡 두곡도,

다 깨끗이 지웠다. 

보이지 않으면, 들리지 않으면, 마음에서도 다 사라질테니. 

이제 남은거는 자잘하게 걔가 써 준 것들, 그 종이쪼가리들.

태우는 건 좀 오버고, 그렇다고 그냥 쓰레기통에 버리기는 좀 그렇다.

어렸을 때 받았던 러브레터는 버리지 않고 다 어딘가 소장해 두었는데

이건 다르다. 없애고프다.

두뇌에서도 지우개로 지우고 싶지만, 그건 생각만큼 쉽지않다. 코만드+딜리트 를 누루는 것처럼 쉽지않다.

i don't smell them anymore in my bed

it's been nearly five months since i've seen him afterall

his voice, his face, they're fading memories.

yes sunday afternoons remain hard to bear, i almost always find myself lying on bed 

thinking oh i wasn't worth loving, i wasn't anything special, that was it, my spring of hope gone.

who would want this? i am dead to all i think.

once i used to think, that there were good and bad memories, now i know it's no longer he himself i think of or miss

it's just the intimacy, sense of great hope, that perhaps i was lovable, that perhaps i too could find someone for myself,

anyway it's all over. 

i haven't entirely forgotten, but the memories have lost that sense of intense emotional attachment.

that has faded. 

a week ago, a small blip occurred. someone saying something, which felt, like a new level of intimacy.

someone new, but not new entirely, someone of my age, someone who i may even have mutual acquaintances with,

someone who shares many of my interests.

it made me a little hopeful, i don't know, of something. even though it was practically nothing. 

then a day or two later i deleted those messages, even muted them, because i could not -

i could not have this kind of false hope.

i am not ready for any kind of hope right now.

i need the wound to heal fully, mature into normal tissue again, before risking it being ripped apart in any way.

and as that little voice crept up, as it usually does, asking who would want you? 

in this form, in this state, who would find you desirable

i know, i know, i know. 

i am afraid, i realised.

i am afraid of the same disappointment, same failure, same sense of rejection, not being enough, not being right, not lovable, not desirable enough. all of those things all over again. 

pachinko - minjin lee

villain - shuichi yoshida

exit west - mohsin hamid

annihilation - jeff vandermeer 

authority - jeff vandermeer

acceptance - jeff vandermeer

my absolute darling - gabriel tallent 

an american marriage - tayari jones 

home fire - kamila shamsie 

killing commendatore - murakami haruki 

the dry - jane harper

if you aren't already crying, here is your chance.

원숭이 엉덩이는 빨개.

정말.

love her work so much.

Jan 

- three billboards outside ebbing missouri: how simplistic, as if one man is changed just by a letter? abbie cornish was miscast, stuck out like a sore thumb. where is my resolution/sense of closure? yes frances macdormand is awesome but i already knew that. the only cathartic bits were perhaps the excessive and free swearing coming from franny mostly. 

- the shape of water: it was perfection. so gorgeous. my heart was full. sally hawkins was just amazing. the aesthetic, the mood, the loving tender moments - oh if you had a loved one, to share this would be something special. 

- call me by your name: i had read the book and enjoyed it. it is that coming of age, young love, story. set in beautiful northern italy, in a lazy summer, where the young and beautiful fall in love and lust. it was familiar, but also endearing and gorgeous and made me long for that feeling of falling freshly and madly in love again. 

- all the money in the world: i went in expecting very little. too much a morality tale re: the callousness of the ridiculously wealthy. michelle williams's accent was distracting, mark wahlberg's role was completely redundant. the main draw for me was (despite her accent) michelle williams and the still incredibly beautiful romain duris whose face i missed and couldn't get enough of. 

Feb

- lady bird: gorgeous. loved saoirse, LOVED laurie metcalf. their relationship was so reminiscent of my own with my mum. the fact that it wasn't all happy and perfect, it felt so real and authentic. it made me wanna become friends with greta gerwig.

- black panther: the excitement i felt about this movie was visceral; a new type of superhero movie, featuring a near all-black cast... perhaps in the end it didn't quite fully match the hype, and there were still some of the usual superhero movie tropes, but overall it was enjoyable, never boring, and full of inspirational female characters, and gorgeous men. michael b jordan you're something *heart eyes*

- game night: fun? jason bateman plays the same role over and over again. it's always good to see rachael mcadams doing comedy. 

Apr

- a quiet place: more jumpy and grotesque than scary. good for a 'horror' type movie since i don't enjoy them generally. can't get enough of emily blunt.

May

- avengers infinity war: oh how convenient! just re-cast the minor characters with 2 lines per movie? so cartoonish, so many effects, yet talking so seriously... but the funny bits were funny esp guardians of galaxy guys coz they at least know not to be serious at all. 

- death of stalin: hilarious. 

Jun

- ocean's 8: i wanted it to be great. it was okay. as per one critic, it was a very quiet movie. lacking excitement. lacking that pizzazz. something not quite great - more than 2% lacking, very much by the book procedural. even the last 'twist' was all a bit meh. sad really coz i wanted it so badly to be good. more rihanna, more kaling, more awkwafina, more SOMETHING. less gaping plot holes. 

- i, tonya: watchable. entertaining.

- phantom thread: surprisingly watchable, captivating, intriguing storytelling. the quirks of daniel day lewis's character. the beautiful fashion, the oddity of his sister. the somewhat annoying but also identifiable character of the mistress whose need to be needed came at me hard despite the mild psychopathy. i really enjoyed this actually. 

- goodbye christopher robin: what a cutie the child actor was. not sure i was particularly enamoured by domhnall gleeson but overall i enjoyed the sweet family drama. 

Sep

- crazy rich asians

Nov

- a star is born: i wanted badly to watch it on first watching the trailer. when finally i did, i cried twice. first when she gets called up in front of the huge crowd, her moment of discovery so to speak, i was so overwhelmed with joy for her, my heart felt like it'd burst and i cried with a visceral response. then of course at the end. how can you not cry. the second half was a bit meh, a little cliched, but no matter, it was an experience. 

- shoplifters: this stayed with me for ages. the slow reveal, that everyone was a little of both - kind and loving but also opportunistic and not truly entirely altruistic either. it made me want to watch all of rest of kore-eda's work. such a beautiful, well made film. 

Dec

- sorry to bother you: was this... a slightly worse Get Out 2? i get the (not so subtle) messaging, and the surrealism, trying to be innovative... but idk it still felt a little not quite there, a little rusty or amateurish. if there were no horse-sapiens it'd'v'e been a true dud. 

*heart eyes emoji***

Why did I come here? To sit and watch you stare at your feet?
What was the plan? Absolve your guilt and shake hands?

I feel no need to forgive but I might as well
But let me kiss your lips so I know how it felt
Pay for my coffee and leave before the sun goes down
Walk for hours in the dark feeling all hell

Don’t hold your breath, forget you ever saw me at my best
You don’t deserve what you don’t respect
Don’t deserve what you say you love and then neglect
Now bite your tongue, it’s too dangerous to fall so young
Take back what you said
Can’t lose what you never had

And I’ll never see you again if I can help it
In five years I hope the songs feel like covers
Dedicated to new lovers