.

i know i am an amateur in all things related to love,

because here i am, always testing it

pushing them to limits, 

trying to push them over the edge

to prove their love, to continuously show it, or i won't be satisfied.

am i just waiting for them to fail me,

to show that their love - or whatever you may call it - is in fact inadequate,

conditional, self-serving, ill-conceived, 

trying to prove that romantic love is a flawed thing, impure at best.

or is it just self sabotage.

i do not know.

i cannot believe,

maybe i cannot accept,

why and how a person can love me,

why i deserve such a thing.