s t r a w b e r r y f i e l d s

trying the new me,

this time i did a few things differently, some intentional some not.

i took a day off, but made E go to work afterwards.

i wore new shoes (my new brooks ghost 16!)

i haven't told anyone about our transfer, not even our parents.

i forgot to shave my legs.

we took PT to the clinic, first time we've done that for a procedure i think.

last minute, we got a call the day before the procedure, that our usual doctor will not be doing it, 'due to unforeseen circumstances' and some other guy will be doing it. nothing we can do about it, i accepted it, thought 'maybe a different doctor will be a good thing too!'

unfortunately i was ultimately not super enthused about the alternate.

when he greeted us he asked have we done this before - i wanted to say 'haven't you read my file?'

then he had to change my speculum twice which is fine, and ofc it hurt again when he was cleaning, which is also fine, but for the first time (this is our 5th time having a transfer), he had trouble actually getting the catheter into the cervix and asked 'did dr M have this issue before?' to which i emphatically said no.

he kinda laughed nervously as he said my cervix is a bit weird - not exact words - but like apparently it curbs to the right then left - but i was unimpressed like 'is this a laughing matter to you? our future? the financial cost and psychological/emotional toil we are under? our last chance? our only tested-good embryo?' 

it was probably nerves, i know to be generous in my mind with other doctors, but did not fill me with confidence.

i wondered, what if he just doesn't care enough, and just deposits the embryo in the wrong spot not actually in the endometrium? but thankfully i did see the bubbling echoes on ultrasound. 

afterwards we realised he didn't even tell us when we will come back for bloods.

well for sure we won't be returning for this doc.

i stopped by the nearby suburb on the way home, picked up a matcha latte, couple of bready snacks (heavenly), and gimbap for lunch. i walked the leisurely 30+min walk home, coz it was sunny and wonderful and the walk home from that station is much nicer than the one from my actual station, less exposed, more calm.

i have two books going at the same time - one on my ebook, an elizabeth strout, and a physical book i got out from a library - also started the new season of project runway which i love to skip skip skip past the sob stories just to look at the clothes, i run a load of laundry and i want to sit in bed and rest like this. i will clean my bathroom at some point. this is a lovely day to myself, a monday to enjoy. 

i keep saying maybe i don't deserve this, but the epiphany dawned on me - grace is all about that. grace, is a gift for those who don't deserve it. that is what i am praying for. 

there are not enough hours in a day, when it's your day off.

first, you rise later than usual, 8-9am sometimes.

you do a little chore like run the laundry, or do the dishes, then go for a walk, then your morning is gone.

if you do a little surfing, a little reading or watching, talk to your parents on your weekly catch up phone calls, that's half your afternoon gone.

haven't even done more substantial chores like cleaning or sweeping, now it is time to prepare dinner already.

the time to reflect, to do some quiet deep thinking, writing, these things take a long stretch of time.

being married, living with another, even if we have not much of a social life external to our family unit, it's a huge life changer.

all my time is not mine, it is shared, i cannot just sit in my quiet for the most part.

and that is why that one day off a week is ever so precious to me, and it goes so fast.