on marriage,

we are coming to nearly 6 months into our marriage.

 

i'm a volatile, labile person. he has been much more the opposite. constant, kind, always saying yes rather than no.

but he is not an angel 100% of the time - sometimes, he snaps on the inside, his tone changes and he speaks in that weird defensive angry voice that shuts me down each time. usually it's some sore spot - often it seems to relate to his phone addiction. or it's some communication breakdown and he thinks i think him an idiot. 

which to be fair, sometimes i do feel.

 

when i had my miscarriage, for those few weeks we were very intimate, he was so loving, i felt closer than ever to him.

 

now we've settled back into more normalcy again. we have good days and times where i get annoyed at him. we fight about mostly minutiae of life. i am reminded time and again what a compromise marriage is, the shock of having to spend my holiday with his family, that we must always do things like holidaying together, even the lost hours to myself in the evenings when i could just read or write or watch things as i liked. or small things like having to cater to him who wants to and is used to eating proper dinners every night, as opposed to me who likes to skip dinner or have cake or chippies for dinner from time to time, out of sheer laziness and fullness. 

 

sometimes my longing for alone time translates to nocturnal behaviours, where i just leave the bed and sleep on the couch, sometimes even unconsciously - where i do not remember doing so. some of it is just needing my own space, he can be a bit clingy at times, maybe i'm yearning for the cool touch of the couch, it is not entirely new behaviour but i do wonder. 

 

recently he has returned to the office to work on site a couple days a week and when i'm home while he's gone to work, boy did i relish that. the freedom, it was real.