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for a stretch of time, i wondered how do i hope?

how am i supposed to pray? how am i supposed to feel? to respond? to plea?

am i supposed to just keep on hoping and praying and pleading with god?

or do i accept this as my yoke? what is faith? how do i have faith that i am meant to have a child?

i honestly did not know how to feel, how i should be.

 

that confusion, that feeling of utter loss of direction inside me, that i suppose eventually dissipated.

now i start a new cycle, i don't know, we can only hope, and pray again, because on our own we cannot achieve anything. we have no control of our bodies - how the ovaries will respond, how his bits will be, we can only do what is medically advised, and pray that god writes with his hand the name of new life. 

 

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looking through pictures from last year or so, it looks like i was a lazy bench this year. seemingly i took a lot of time off.

we were out for a long weekend for valentines day! then, randomly had a week off at a beach in april! what, wedding anniversary night at a city hotel? then off to nz! just a lot. also those 3 weeks i took off for my first cycle.

i feel like it went fast, but with little to show for it. i feel i've been pretty preoccupied this year, haven't really worked that hard or thought much about work, it's gone in a weird haze. 

 

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we haven't bought a house yet. i am a little afraid of change. having to live in a suburb or a house that has no train station walkable distance away. having neighbours that i actually may have to deal with (unlike apartments, where you are pretty free to never acknowledge them). actually having to look after a house, with a lawn, etc. suddenly having to rent out the apartment, what if tenants are awful, and they wreck the place. adulting, it's frightening. 

no baby, no house, will that change come 2023?

 

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at least i've read a lot this year, that is about it. maybe because i've taken so much time off? or that i haven't watched as much tv? hard to say.